A work in progress that is actually based on my friend. i am putting myself in her shoes so to speak. the dream is fictional but i believe the thoughts and emotions to be hers. the description of the man is def real at least from my point of view. so anyway let me know what u think. i would especially like help with the end of 4th paragraph.
The Dream
I was in a garden. I didn’t know its location or how I came to be in it, but nevertheless there I was, in a garden. It was a very beautiful and flourishing garden like the ones depicted in paintings and movies. From the ground, flowers of every imaginable color stared up at me. A breeze flowed through them and they began to wave as if in greeting. Looking out around me I saw flowering dogwood, redbud, and crabapple trees in full bloom. In the distance I could hear a trickling stream doing its best to be heard over the chirping robin. I soon became enchanted with the magnificence that surrounded me.
Eager to explore further I walked forward, being very careful not to trample any of the blossoms beneath me. Finding there was no path, I lightly stepped where I could, zigzagging this way and that. I noticed just ahead a structure which resembled an early type of gazebo. The roof, however, appeared to have fallen in long ago. The structure was made of stone, though I could not tell what kind because it was heavily covered in vines. They stretched up and over each pillar until intertwining in the middle, creating a natural ceiling. It seemed that this whole place had been untouched for centuries; somehow hidden from the present world.
Upon walking closer, I saw a man leaning against one of the pillars. I searched for the features that would reveal his face to me, but in vain. I was not yet close enough for my eyes to penetrate the shadow which covered him. No longer worried about damaging the flowers below, I walked a straight line, never taking my eyes from him.
As my view became better I began looking him over. He seemed out of place. His modern clothes didn’t match this timeless scenery. His t-shirt and cargo shorts were much too plain for all of the beauty that surrounded him. His Chuck Taylor’s were tattered and his hair shaggy. The tattoos on his arms… My heart skipped a beat and I froze. The tattoos that ran up both his arms seemed very familiar to me. No, it can’t be him! I thought; but after looking back to his face I was sure that it was. All the features I had searched for earlier were there: the strong jaw line that I had lightly caressed with my fingers so many times before; the nose that would always run across my skin, preparing it for his kiss; and those beautiful eyes that truly were the windows to his soul. All of the elegance surrounding me was no match for his beauty.
He pulled what appeared to be a cell phone from his pocket and after a quick glance returned it to its home. Was he simply checking the time or was he expecting a call that had not come. Perhaps it was both. I wanted to walk even closer. I wanted to touch his face and confirm my hopes, my fears; but fear held me where I stood. I couldn’t let him know my presence. I would rather observe his radiance from here, unseen. If he were to know I was here, than surely this dream would become a nightmare.
I imagined his angelic features twisting in hatred at the sight of me, and my heart wrenched in agony. He will never come back to you, a voice within me said. You were foolish to even hope. These uncontrollable thoughts made my chest tighten until I could no longer breathe. I tried so hard, grasping at my mouth, neck, and chest until I began to feel dizzy from lack of oxygen. Hard ground met the back of my head before I realized I had collapsed. Quickly everything faded until darkness was all that was left.
I woke to the sensation of someone shaking me. I opened my eyes but I was still stuck in the sad, black, endless night. I tried blinking a few times until I began to see the faint red glow from my alarm clock.
“Hey sweetie,” whispered my husband, “Are you alright? You were having another nightmare but everything’s ok now.”
“Yeah,” I agreed numbly, “Everything’s ok now.” If he only knew how he tortured me with his words and that nothing could ever be ok again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This idea is really cool. Everyone else already pointed out the errors, but I really like where you're going with this. Can't wait to see more!
Yo-la, Evi here. ^^ Jetpack pretty much had the exact right idea about what needs to be fixed, so I'll just echo some things, nit-pick a bit, and make some general comments. ;P
So, here:
a.) It has no hook whatsoever as a starting sentence or paragraph. ^^ Okay, you were in a garden. Gotcha. Start with the description, and then end with the realization that you're in a garden. That's how things work in real life, after all-- you see the ice on the branches and feel the bite of the snow before you say, "Oh, it's winter." You're able to tell it's winter because of the description, so describe your garden before you tell us what it is. If you do it right, you shouldn't need to say, "I was in a garden." Your imagery should speak for itself.
b.) All of these sentences are rather short and choppy, making the paragraph as a whole hard to read. There's no apparent flow, because your sentences are too disconnected. Take that literary license of yours and add some commas, some clauses, some flowing phrases or fragments.
It was beautiful and flourishing, like the ones in paintings and movies, with flowers of every imaginable color staring up at me. There was a slight breeze that danced through their petals; the flowers began to wave at me, welcoming me, pulling me closer.
Play with punctuation to make your sentence transitions smoother. Also, avoid words like 'very'. They're empty adverbs, that don't help much with the picture and only clutter up your phrases.
Anything I underlined, (being very, beneath me) take out. More empty description that becomes redundant. After all, if she was scared of trampling blossoms, it would only make sense that they were on the ground beneath her. ^_~
Semi-colons are used to connect two full sentences. Since "somehow hidden from the present world" isn't a full sentence, with a subject and a predicate, this semi-colon needs to be a comma.
Don't know about you, but finding a strange, unfamiliar man in a beautiful, fantasy-like garden would scare me.
These two sentences contradict each other. First you say that the beauty of the garden is far more than the man's, but then you say he far surpasses the beauty of the garden. So, which is it?
(Also, lay off the use of the word 'beauty'. Okay, we get it-- the garden's pretty.
A cell phone? Earlier, you mentioned that he looked out of place in such a timeless setting-- if he did, no doubt a cell phone would stick out like a sore thumb.
So she knows she's dreaming? How? Explain.
Ok = Okay. Although it may not technically be incorrect, 'ok' seems like text lingo and therefore is to be avoided. ^^
With the ending, I'm confused as to whether her husband is this mysterious dream-lover of hers or not. When he wakes her up, she doesn't seem relieved, disappointed, or anything really-- just 'not okay'. Is she afraid her husband, who she loves dearly, won't love her for much longer? Or is it her husband who's keeping her from her dream-man? It's to ambiguous, and it needs some clearing up. ^_~
All in all, an interesting concept that isn't poorly written at all-- you just need to work on pacing, clarification, and adding that excitement like Jetpack said. It's not enough to tell us she feels something, or inform us about things going on-- you've got to show us the emotion and make us feel her pain, whatever it is. We're not getting the adrenaline that this character's dream-self should be feeling. And we need to, otherwise the pace is lagging and a bit boring, which it shouldn't be, since the characters and ideas are quite exciting! =D
PM me for anything else!
~Evi
Hey, I'm Jetpack. First things first, please make sure your introduction is properly punctuated! Capitalise your I's and so on, if only because when a reviewer comes to look at your work, it seems so much more professional if you write properly. Looking at your piece itself, it's obvious you know how, so please do so.
Right, a general comment first. This is all very uniformly paced. There's no excitement, just you telling us exactly what's going on in very equal-length sentences. We don't feel the overwhelming desire for the MC to go and explore this garden, nor do we feel anything for the man she sees there. It's far too bland as yet.
Take this first paragraph. My comments are in bold.
You can see my problem. We feel no attachment to your character or your scenery. As the story progresses, we can't feel for your character because even though it's first person, you don't go into her thoughts or feelings. Even though it's a dream, where maybe you wouldn't feel everything, I think it's better to pack in a short, fragmented - but dynamic - description than a few paragraphs of she did this, she felt this, she wanted to do this, she loved him.
You asked for help on the fourth paragraph, so I'll give you it.
Would that be the right one? Well, I'd say it suffers from the same problem I mentioned before: there's just not enough emotion here. Bring this to life a bit more. Use some metaphors that correlate with your character's emotions: roses for love, blood too for the violence of that love. You need to use language to your advantage and show us this emotion rather than just telling us. Also, you overuse the word "beauty" in this paragraph, and you contradict yourself. You say he's wearing something too plain for everything that surrounds him, but he is too beautiful for everything too. Which is it?
There's a lot you can do here. You certainly have a hook, and I want to read more, but I don't want to read it in this style. You need to change pace and liven up the tone and style, so at least we feel the MC's emotions. If you read any good action, which I would recommend here just so you can get an idea of pacing, you'll see that a good writer will somehow pump it full of adrenaline. Pacing is very important and so is your style. You need to bring this to life. If it's based on a friend, ask this friend some more about how she feels so we can get a bit more character from this.
Good luck.